New York Update Time.

Here I am.  In the city that never sleeps.  I, on the other hand, have been sleeping quite a lot.  In fact, I just woke up from a very refreshing nap.  And it's no surprise that I'm tired, when I'm not sleeping, I've been running around Manahattan like a crazy person; going on job interviews, trying to get my life settled, boyfriend hunting at the gym.  Just kidding about that last part.... sort of.

Interviews have been going very well.  I already have a Nanny job that I'll be working about 20 hours a week.  The family is wonderful.  The kids are adorable and the parents are very funny.  Although I wasn't quite prepared for some of their humor during the interview and came off looking like a bit of an idiot when I didn't know they were kidding.  For example, when they joked about having more kids somewhere and the dad said "should we show her the triplets now?" and I responded "is that code for something?"  Anyway, they liked me and gave me the job and I'm pretty psyched to start next week.

Other than that, I've been going on a few internship interviews.  i've met with 3 production companies offering part-time work and they just keep getting better and better.  Every place I've gone seems to be offering exactly what I'd be looking for: a small company with opportunity to get a lot of responsibility, access to a lot of important people in documentary and feature, the chance to get to see how the whole process goes from start to finish, and hours that will fit with my schedule.  Every interview has also gone really well and each one has ended with something like "I'll let you know for sure by the end of the week, but it seems like you'd be a great fit here and we'd love to have you."  I don't want to jinx it, but if I was offered more than one position, I don't know which one I'd pick.  They're all so great.

As sad as I am not to be in Boston, I do really like it here and I'm starting to really get settled and I'm having fun going to coffee shops and parks in manahattan with my crossword, all dressed up in my business casual duds (from my interviews, not just for fun).  I don't think I'll ever consider myself a New Yorker, but I can be pretty comfortable being a girl that lives in New York.

I've also decided that New York has turned me into a total spaz.  Here's why...

Story #1:  Lauren thinks she's getting mugged.

My first day here, I went on the nanny interview uptown, where the rich people live.  I'm walking home, making a phone call with one hand and holding my umbrella with the other (because it hasn't stopped raining since I got here).  I walk by this little man just standing and watching me.  He looks a little suspicious, but I just try to ignore him.  Then, he starts coming towards me, reaching for something in his pocket, he walks behind really really close.  In my head, I'm thinking "shit, I'm going to get mugged on my first day in NYC.  I think that I should say something like "get the hell away from me," but all that comes out is, "HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY"...  just like that.  If all caps had a sound, that was what it sounded like, loud and clearly terrified.  He just looked at me like I was crazy.  I guess he wasn't trying to mug me.  But if he was, I apparently would still care about his well-being.  That's how un-new-york I am so far.

Story #2:  Lauren goes to the gym.

I joined a gym yesterday and have gone twice.  The first time, I decided I'd just ride the subway home right after.  That was a big mistake because it was a very crowded subway and I was very smelly.  I was really nervous people would get offended by my smell, so I brought stuff today to take a shower there so I could ride home fresh and clean.  After my workout, I grabbed a couple of towels and headed to the showers.  Now let me tell you, women in that locker room have no shame.  They just get naked and don't think twice.  Good for them.  I, on the other hand, am quite the opposite.  I don't like it when my best friends even see me with short shorts on.  I decided that they probably didn't care and I should just swallow my pride.  So I take a shower and it was actually quite refreshing.  Then, I go to grab the towels I brought only to realize they were the small size.  Luckily, I brought 2, nice.  This, however, still did little to cover me up and I probably looked like a total psycho walking around with two hand towels wrapped around me like a little matching towel suit.  Whatever, I only needed to get to my bag a few feet away.  Well, being me, I of course had to step into a puddle of water and slip.  I managed to hold onto the towels enough to keep any sensitive areas covered, and, miraculously, only one woman saw me actually fall.  But, in my standard 80-year-old woman reaction, I screamed, "OOPSIE DOOPS!"  Note to self: that's not an appropriate reaction for a cool, suave, upwardly mobile new york woman.  And of course when I got out into the area with the lockers, everyone looked at me.  Nice.


And that's everything exciting so far.  New York life from my perspective.

BEST CASE SCENARIO OF WHERE I COULD BE IN A WEEK:
*Successfully moved into my apartment with functional gas, cable, and internet
*$1000 richer after successfully selling my car
*Ready to begin work as a part time nanny for a lovely uptown family with two adorable children
*Ready to begin an internship at one of the production companies I applied to and got called in for an interview for (three for four!).... best BEST case would be working for a company on a couple FRONTLINE documentaries... I'm going in for an interview next Monday and if I could get that internship, it'd be HUGE... Frontline is defs the most respected documentary series on TV like ever.
*Getting lots of dates with hot, charming, polite new york men.

WORST CASE SCENARIO OF WHERE I COULD BE IN A WEEK:
*Still not unpacked and with no gas, cable, or internet
*The owner of an unsold car and poor
*Not hired for a family
*Not hired for an internship
*No dates with anyone and no one to hang out with except myself.


...Hmmmmm.... only time will tell

I need to do something creative or intellectual or artsy real soon or I'm going to looooooose it.

I can't wait to start school... or even to just be in nyc and seeing cool inspiring things.

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I miss camping already.

I'm scared of living in the city without mountains and even trees.

I'm jealous of everyone in Boston.

We climbed the scariest mountain in the area.

I want to get into more outdoors stuff like rock climbing.

I don't want to go back to work.

I don't want everyone in Saratoga to leave me all alone and bored and miserable.

The summer now sucks because since camping's over I have nothing to look forward to except moving.

Weh.

Today is what we in the real world call a "reality check".

I have an apartment in Brooklyn.

Phew.  Whoa.  Um.  Ah.

I'm terrified.  And for several reasons.  All of which are really not that scary when I think about them.

1.  Brooklyn is scary.  Well, it's really not that scary.  It was scary when we got off the subway there.  It was scary.  Walking around, though, I realized how many people there were just like me.  They were young kids, students, recent graduates, everything.  I think I'll get used to it.

2.  New York is expensive.  Like, seriously.  So expensive.  I'll be paying $920/mo.  And I had to put down a deposit of what might of well have been a million dollars.  Thank God I have understanding and helpful parents but I'm just so afraid of being spoiled.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have the option of their help so I could just do things on my own.  I don't ever want to be spoiled.  But I think I am.  I'm taking for granted that they'll help me if I really need it.  But as far as next year, I'll have enough in loans to pay rent and I've just finished posting resumes on monster to find a full time job, too, as a receptionist or something in Manhattan.  I think I'll be able to get by quite well.  But then again, I always think that.

3.  Our apartment is small.  Actually, it's not that small.  There's not much in the way of a living room or kitchen, but the bedrooms are palaces compared to the other apartments we saw.  They're about the size of my room at home even which I guess is better.  Better to have a big room and teenier living room than vice verca I think.  There are some pics here http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/fee/365652328.html ... the unit we have is actually backwards from this one though and now it has a stove and fridge too.  It's also brand new which is huge.  New floors, new appliances, new bathroom, new balcony.

4.  I'm going to know so few people.  I have my dear roomate and a few people I know in Brooklyn, but I'm going to have to make friends all over again.  Oh geez.  Luckily, our enitre building is (apparently) full of young people.  I have a feeling it's going to be like a dorm room all over again.  We can go to each other's apartments for wine, it'll be nice.  And who knows, maybe some dreamy guys will move in somewhere too.


It's just so real now!  And with Meave leaving to go to England tomorrow and having to say goodbye to her for a year or more, I'm majorly having a reality check.  But I think I'm ready to stop freaking out.  And hey, I got a surprise morning off from Chez Sophie tomorrow so that's pretty big.  Although, considering how much money I"m going to be paying soon, I don't know if I should be excited about a single second not working.  Luckily though.... ummm or not.... I'm going to be working a million hours at the theater this week and at the Chez.  Next week should be a big paycheck let's hope....


I just want to snuggle down in bed after a glass of wine with a sappy movie and go to sleep and not be a grown up.

I think I just might....

It's 2:15 am, I just woke up, and I'm too scared to go back to sleep.

I think it's because of lucid dreaming and sleep paralysis probably associated with the other sleep issues i've always had.

Every now and then I'll be dreaming and become aware that I'm dreaming.  When that happens, I usually end up waking myself up out of the dream.  It's a wild thing that happens.  I'll kick a leg hard or try to yell inside the dream and if I try enough, I'll actually move in real life  or make some noise and end up waking up.  Usually I just slip right back into sleep after a couple seconds and usually back into the same dream but sometimes I can keep myself awake if I know I don't want to go back into the dream.

Now this has happened quite a few times, especially within the last few months.

What happened tonight, though, was awful.  It started like usual like I described and after waking up for a second slipped back into it.  The dream I slipped out of, though, was awful.  I can't really remember exactly what the first one was, but it was something I wanted to wake out of. 

Now when I wake out of a lucid dream, especially if I cause it myself, I experience sleep paralysis.  This means that I know I'm awake but I can't move a muscle because my brain is still repressing my motor movements from REM sleep.  This makes it possible to slip right back into REM sleep and, therefore, a dreaming state.

Tonight, I slipped back into dreaming and again began experiencing a scary dream.   I woke myself up again by kicking my leg, and the same thing happened again.  I slipped in and out of waking and dreaming probably about 5 times, every time knowing when I was dreaming and purposely waking myself out of it.  Every dream I had was scary, too.  They involved alienation of friends and family, death and injury of friends and family, rape, and even me being in a car crash where the car flipped several times and crushed my arms.  Seriously, really scary stuff.  You can see why I'd want to wake out of those dreams and why I was usually on the way to balling when I woke up.  The urge to cry also made me a little short of breath when waking up.

Finally, after a ton of these in-and-out dreams, I was able to wake up long enough to beat the sleep paralysis and move, starting with a finger and eventually my whole body.  Still, though, I experienced hallucinations and saw, as clear as day, people walking around my room.  I laid under my covers until I was brave enough to turn on a light and the TV and now I can't turn either off because I'm so scarred.

So ya, I'm a little freaked out and really not feeling this whole sleep disorder thing.  If this keeps up, maybe I"ll talk to my neurologist about it because, frankly, the feeling of waking up and not being able to move and feeling like an elephant is sitting on your chest is really not a great sensation.  Struggling not to slip into dreaming for fear that you'll experience something crushing or debilitating is just not fun.

Luckily, I think I"ve been up and moving enough typing to be fully awake and should be fine going back to sleep.

The brain is a very strange and scary thing.

Wow.  last time i wrote was in may.  Funny, because back then I was naive enough to think that my financial problems would be over in a few weeks when I was just now going to write how much it's hit me recently how unbelievably screwed I am financially for the next couple of weeks.  Broke, overdrawn, and in debt is not a good combo.  But once the second job gets going and racing season is in full swing, hopefully I'll get by.

Other than that, things are great.  The summer has been really fun and relaxing.  Nothing too crazy, no wild parties, just poker nights and drinks downtown from time to time.  It's a really grown up feeling summer.  And I like that.  It makes me excited to settle down in a relatively permanent place in a month and a half.  And even though I'll still be going to school it'll be more like "taking classes" than "being in school" so that's pretty grown up still.

I decided that I'm going to try and find an office or receptionist job in the city to do during the days since my classes will mostly be at night.  I don't think I can waitress much anymore.  Maybe if I need to, I could take up a waitressing job as a second job down there for extra cash, but it's too high stress and a little annoying on my back to be up running around, carrying things for several hours at a time.  Also, I did a typing test and I can type 75 wpm so that's pretty impressive and officey.  I also really liked working in the theater office and I like the show the Office, so I think it'd be a good idea to give it a try.  I'm sure there are many places in the city that need part-time receptionists or office assistants.  I'd probably need glasses though, because I think i might be farsighted... I haven't gotten my eyes checked in like 10 years though.

Maybe in the meantime I'll look into participating in some clinical trials to get by

I'm really psyched to move into our summer house.  It's really adorable and will be excellent company.

I'm not really psyched about the rest of this week where I will just be cleaning and doing work that I don't get paid for.

I really wish some place would just start me at a job instead of saying they'd def call me in a couple weeks.  Mama needs some moolah now.  She broke... more than broke, in fact.  But I know I'll be making money SO SOON... that's what kills.  I just need to stick it out and I'll be fine.  And I very well end up working three jobs by the end of june (breakfast shift, afternoon at the theater, dinner shift).  That'd be awesome/shitty... Quite frankly, I don't care about my sanity or health nearly as much as I care about my bank account right now so working from 7am-11pm for a bit would be no big... I essentially did it last august.

Moving is a bitch.

This weekend did give me such much needed sanity though... home is nice to visit.  I'd die of anxiety living there though.  Having it in moderation makes it much more exciting.

I'm completely miserable, saratoga springs.



Haha, it's been a day since graduation and already I feel like a big fat lonely blob.  I wish I had the desire to do all the things i want to do but all i can do is lay around and be sad and miss people and the comforts of skidmore.


This is really beginning to feel like the start of last summer.



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senior week killed me and was too fun to now just go to nothing.

This is what happens when you combine boredom with the knowledge of how to do screen shots....

Being finished with college is boring.

It's getting real that I'm going to be leaving a lot of people I love soon.

The roast was last night.  It was really fun for the most part, really bittersweet.  The pre-party was everything I'd thought it would be for the past four years.  The toasts really got to me when I realized that some of the girls were saying to me what I said to the senior girls when I was their age... stuff like how they felt so proud when I even knew their name and that I set a great example for the younger directors.

The actual roast was pretty funny... got made fun of for always asking for money and for being kind of lazy when it comes to rehearsals.  Both things I was expecting, they did a good job, though.  Got the other seniors pretty well too.  Ours was a little sloppy... I realize now why all the seniors in previous years were such a mess.  I guess we were a little mean.  I wasn't expecting that, but maybe some stuff was off limits.  Nothing makes me more upset than making people upset... that brought me down a lot and i still feel awful.

All in all, a lot of crying, a lot of laughing, a lot more crying.

It's just so upsetting to actually have to say goodbye to people.  And the crappy part is that it really is goodbye, I'm not going to see so many of these people again.  There are so many that I love, but I know I may not cross paths with again.  I've been putting off thinking about it... I can't really put it off anymore I guess.

Thank god for facebook for keeping in touch i guess.

Things I'm happy about:

* Last day of classes tomorrow
* Lots of fun things to do tomorrow night
* My cankle feeling like it can bear some weight, which means I'll probably only be hobbling around for one more day or so
* Being finished with at least one final paper
* The roast being Friday


Things I'm unhappy about:

* Overdrawing from my bank account too much again and paying overdraft fees
* The fact that my crutches make the rest of my body sore
* All the work I still haven't done
* Annoying people and frustrating situations

I should do something about this...

Stats from this weekend:
*Hours in the theater Friday-Sunday: 35
*Hours in my house: 12
*Hours of sleep:  11

I don't think that's ok.


Things I have to do, but can't even begin to think about until Wednesday:
*20 more minutes to edit in my doc... should take a solid 60 hours... due in 2 weeks
*20 page paper for my religion capstone... due in 2 weeks
*10 page paper for philosophy... due in 2 weeks
*Find a second job for the summer... apparently everywhere is hiring, hopefully shouldn't be too hard


I don't even know what to do... my body is about to just give up on me... eeehhh

Today was, for the most part, a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day... or 24 hours I guess.  It's been a day that has made me rethink a lot of things about... well... everything... more specifically people, art, college, and myself.  I've reached some conclusions about each...

People.  They don't always think.  They don't always do what you'd like.  They don't all understand me.  The also aren't perfect.  And sometimes they, consciously or not, hurt each other a little bit.  In the past, I, myself, have been the biggest offender.  I've really been trying to stop being so selfish though.  Maybe I haven't gotten rid of all my bad karma though.

Art.  I don't like a lot of theater.  Well, that's not true.  I like to watch most theater.  I don't necessary appreciate it all on the same level.  And i definitely don't like to work with most theater.  That's much of the reason I'm getting into film which, clearly, has the same problems.  But I feel like there's more potential to do the stuff I want to do.  Although I must say, the past few weeks have restored my faith in theater just a bit.  Knowing that other people share my sensibilities and opinions and affinity for a certain kind of work is very nice.  My work I want to be remembered for at Skidmore is "Experiments in Eden," and that will probably happen.  "Professor Taranne" was for fun.  It was to give people something funny and entertaining, and visually stimulating.  I was not trying to move mountains with the latter piece, though I still created it based around my artistic philosophy.  I just want people to take it for what it was.

College.  Academia is a big circle jerk.  You go to school, you get a degree in either something practical or something interesting.  If something interesting, you have to either throw away that education when you graduate and find a completely unrelated job, or you have to keep going to school until you get your phd and then you really cant do anything but write books for academics and teach.  All well and good for the people within Academia, but then what are you doing for the world?  Nothing.  Just passing on education to a very small and elitist group for no practical purpose.  I want to change that, I mean, at least for myself.  I want to devote myself to spreading the things that people know and take knowledge out of the elitist realm of academia and bring it to people through art and media.  God, what a fucking task.

Myself.  I am extremely smart, extremely talented, and extremely subtle and i don't that's a very good combination all the time.  (It's pretty funny also that I'm saying how subtle I am while bluntly calling myself smart and talented, but usually i'm subtle).  I'm not good at articulating myself through talking.  Writing I'm a little bit better.  But, I am an artist.  I articulate my ideas in other ways.  I do not like being forced to then take those ideas and translate them.  That defeats the purpose.  I have an extreme passion inside that no one has pushed out until recently and now I just don't know what to do with it.

I am overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed by all I want to do, all I have to do, all I want to know and share, all I want to create, and all I want to give.

Not everyone will appreciate my work.  I know that.  I'm learning to care a little less.  But there will be people who do get it, who do appreciate it, and will learn and think because of it.

I think I just established myself as the tortured artist.

I am so ready to graduate and move on out of Skidmore into a new part of my life.

I certainly do not feel good.  And I don't know if it's the 7 ice cream cones, the lack of sleep, or maybe just the fact that something very uncool just happened.

Sent my deposit in to the New School yesterday!  I saw it Friday, spent the day in NYC.  It was great.  I'm very very very excited.

I'm also becoming very pathetic financially... (becoming?)... I think taking out loans from banks next year will make me feel less pathetic than begging for money from my parents.

Bleh.

I am a complete zombie right now.

Someone help me get my soul back.

Maybe I just need to get real sleep.

Sometimes I just get very sick of trying to keep everyone happy all the time.  I really hate making excuses for people but I do it constantly.

You know, I can be friends with whoever I want and I can like whoever I want and I don't need everyone's approval.  Especially because certain people never give approval because theyre too cynical and judgemental sometimes.

Ya, fuck making everyone else happy, I'll make myself happy thankyouverymuch.

Or not?

...maybe i shouldn't say anything until i know for sure.